T minus 8…

Star Date 29092016

“I Do Not Love You”

I do not love you for the way you kiss Though your lips, they can put me at ease And I do not love you for your sweet blue eyes Though I love when they’re looking at me And I do not love you for the way your hands Can touch me and quiet my soul I love you for all of this and so much more

I do not love you for the way you dress Though you do look so lovely tonight And I do not love you for the things you know Though I’ve always admired your mind And I do not love you for the way I feel That first moment you walk through the door I love you for all of this and so much more

And all I know is you’re the part of me that keeps me strong And what I want is for us to face forever Standing up together, eyes turned towards the heavens, arm in arm

I do not love you for the way my heart Seems to live somewhere inside your chest And I do not love you for the way your arms They can hold me until I forget And I do not love you for the way you’ve been Exactly what I’m looking for I love you for all of this and so much more

I love you for all of this and so much more

Starting the day with this. I was reminded that happiness is a choice. I have not been terribly happy in recent times. I agree, in principal, with my statement, but internally is a completely different goings on. Yes, I am aware that the MRI that started this, caught something that would have been overlooked for however long I was willing to deal with the headache. I am further aware that the CT from last week also caught the carotid issue, that would also have gone undetected…until I suffered a stroke…sometime. Even now, I am failing to see why that should make me happy. I feel no sense of relief, as we have not yet met with Mr. Stroke doctor. Lately, I have not been a great choice for Jess. I have been focused so much on wanting to get through all the BS, that I have failed her. I snap at little sh**. Not at her, per se…but certainly loudly enough that at least she, the dog, and the drunk neighbor can hear me. I have failed to see that she needs some positivity from me, in an effort to stay sane. We are in this together, regardless of me being the inseminated one…er…the guy with the stuff going on. She doesn’t have the non-stop headache that seems to go migraine whenever it wants. She doesn’t have the other calamitous conditions…but, she is present in my pain, in my sorrow. She deserves my best. I have not given it to her. I have taken from her every ounce of strength and emotion, while not replenishing any. I am a soul-sucker. …until you get me with friends, customers, and the like. Then, for whatever reason or excuse, I am able to shut that part off and or out. Laughter is the best medicine. This is not news for anyone who knows me. In some cases it allows for deflection of my varying pains, but in most cases I believe it just allows me to not think. Unfortunately, there has not been much laughter in our house. I was reminded of this as well. Rightfully so. We both work long days and we both deal with our own versions of much and mire. Jess is far better at retaining the positive outlook. I struggle…clearly…constantly. I do not believe it is a focus on the negative inasmuch as it is about stating it. Playing it out. Planning for the worst case. It is a double-edged sword. That logic leads me to dark places that are difficult to get out of and or know when to stay in them and find peace. That has been my overall struggle. I have been in darker moments…I just cannot recall when. Does it matter? I do not know. It matters to me. People say to remain positive. Live in the now…and other versions of the same. I get it. I understand the words and their significance. I also am very aware of having Charlie and now his new live in girlfriend, Chimera the carotid.

I am at a loss as to how I make a conscious and concerted effort to find happiness in these conditions. I believe I have earned a little bit of wiggle room here. To be a bit angry and or frustrated, albeit not at the expense of Jess’s happiness and general positive attitude. That too, is where I have failed her. Feeling feelings is not new to me, expressing them at a decibel that fits, is. Finding words to go with those feelings has always been difficult for me. …difficult to believe after saying a whole lot of nothing for the last 30 days…yeah, I know. Therein lies my frustration. I am frustrated with me. With my body. With waiting for answers. With tests, poking, prodding, contrast dyes that cause migraines. I am frustrated with each test producing more questions than answers. I am frustrated with how one test begets another that ultimately finds something else. The positive outlook I feel in this place can be summed up as this: I am literally not surprised by anything that comes out of the doctors, nurses, techs mouths anymore. Why I wouldn’t be more surprised if I woke up with my head stapled to the carpet (reference to Christmas Vacation).

Fast forward. I spoke with Les, today. First let me say they received some hopeful news about Sonya…for which I am grateful for them both. B, as Les pointed out, he and Sonya have had similar discussions to that of Jess and me. It is tough…nay…impossible to remain positive at all times. So, who gets what’s left? Our SO’s. We put on an ‘act’ all day to and for the general public. We keep up appearances. We work to forget and to cope. We come home and we have nothing left but all too often, anger. The insignificance of others discussing trivial matters. Wait a minute. We all do this. Why does it take a life-altering event to make us see things in a different light? For me, the answer is pretty easy. Simply not paying attention. Selfishness. Self-centeredness. Jess deserves my best. She may not always get it, but she has certainly not received as much as she has given to me and us throughout this time.

Rewind. The Charlie coming out party is in two days. We have Ann and her baby coming late tonight. Babies are always positive mood enhancers. No one has stolen their hopes and dreams. In an effort to stay awake till they get here, and for a little levity, Jess and I decided to catch a flick. The Magnificent 7.

Denzel…way better than Yul Brenner.

And Chris Pratt’s character was laugh out loud funny. …”Oh good…we got us a Mexican.” The new version is darker than the original. Better. It was good to laugh with Jess. Makes me want to pull out my John Wayne movies and then watch both versions of True Grit:

Sorry, Mr. Bridges…John Wayne wins this one…every single time.

Popcorn was dinner tonight. Weeeeee. I love me some paw-cones. Mmmmmm. Theater ‘butter flavoring.’ That should cure Chimera.

Today’s whistling song was not the one at the beginning of this mess. Today was none other than the Man in Black…Johnny Cash…Ring of Fire.

My apologies for being a bit scattered today. Final thought. I am thankful for Jess. She did not sign up for this, yet remains here… in the dark, by my side. That alone, is cause for happiness.