T minus 10…

Star Date 27092016

First of all, does anyone realize the “T” in “T minus” does not stand for time? How apropos that is stands for “test.” Why not. 10 days of testing our patience. 10 more sleepless nights. 10 more days of tests. 10 days until the ultimate test. T, as in life is a test. Today, I feel as though I am passing a test that I failed all weekend. I could not focus on life. I do not know if this past weekend is the last I will feel the way I did. I do know today, I do not. It’s not like I’m smiling like a jackass eating cactus. I am just okay.

It was brought to my attention, last night, that I am remiss in informing folks about Charlie’s party. As this is my first tumour-coming-out-party, I have only that as my excuse. I do not want to not invite people. That said, Karen will need a tally (wacker) of those to be in attendance, so as to plan accordingly. Mea culpa.

Slept…not so much. And…as expected, awake by 0329. I was up every hour, and that was after sort of falling asleep at midnight thirty. No blankets or RoD to blame, just Charlie and today’s test (ies). With folks coming to visit, Jess took to cleaning a bit last night, and I took the rest of the toe-stubbers…remnants of the kitchen reno…out to the garage. Aside from the destruction, construction sheathing, floor boards missing, lack of kitchen cabinets, you can barely tell we are camping indoors. All for Charlie. He is a loser takes all kinda fella.

Today’s whistler:

“Jackdaw” I’m like a jackdaw Cawing at your backdoor Scratching at your window pane Hey throw your window wide And taste the April night with me again Girl we been veering Backwards disappearing Down in to the murky deep Baby come on We’ll be along time gone There’s time enough for sleep And hey now don’t run and hide Your little heart away If it’s gone We’ll sure never find it Pining for lost innocence Our hammers beating hard Against that old facade Some other air to breathe That we might break these molds And free our restless souls Start to believe That we can rise above Our pettiness and love Like we ain’t loved before Free on this earth As the surf that rolls And crashes on the shore And hey now don’t run and hide Your little heart away If it’s gone We’ll sure never find it Pining for lost innocence Tantalisingly I saw Our shadows moving through the door Traces from a different time When I was yours and you were truly mine All mine And I still want you yeah I still want you yeah I still want you yeah I still want you yeah And I still want you yeah I still want you yeah I still want you yeah I still want you And baby don’t run and hide Your little heart away If it’s gone We’ll sure never find it Pining for lost innocence Pining for lost innocence Pining for lost innocence

David Gray. Never a bad album.

10 days. Less than a dozen, yet still double digits…makes it feel further away. Yes further, not farther, or fart, her? The subtle difference between purchasing a car for $9999 vs $10001. Seems a lot more expense at the second price. The tricks our minds play just to feel some semblance of normalcy. To no avail. Charlie cannot fool me. With only ten days left, that means we are 30 in. Three quarters of the way. I am wiser than I was 30 days ago, know why? Easy. I now know to bring an extra pair of shorts to the test today…just in case. I am one fart smeller. Oh…almost forgot…and the migraine meds. Last test…well, aside from doing one more of this kind and an MRI, next Friday before surgery. Not last at all. Measure 17 times, cut once. Remove, do not debulk. Get all of Charlie yet leave me whole…A and all.

The test is done. Migraine is starting to subside. I went to the registration desk at the Radiology department and they didn’t bother having me fill out the forms. “Weren’t you here a couple of days ago?” The MRI tech came out from the back and recognized me in a room full of people. “Hey…you’re back again. What this time?” …Of course he is from Pittsburgh, so he is talking above all the surrounding noise and people. Heads going back and forth like a tennis match. “My neck,” I say. Joe…is his name. “Wow. I should’ve had you stop and pick me up some food…seems like you’re a regular.”

me – Regularly, irregular

Joe – This sucks, right?

me – It could be worse?

Joe – (chuckling) At least you’re still kickin.

me – and screamin.

Joe – come on back…Mike’s got you today, but he’s busy. No need to stay out here, you’re up next.

me – awesome.

Walking back, I ask to use the little tumour’s room.

Joe – Dude…are you dying or what?

me – You’ve seen more of my scans than I have…you tell me.

Joe – I only saw your first one and then knew you’d been in about once a week since.

me – Kind of you to notice, but I’m not that kind of a fella. I could likely find one for you in my last days though.

Joe – (laughing) Gotta laugh. Gotta keep it positive. You need anything?

me – sack of money to pay for all this sh**.

Joe – I hear ya. You really should bring in food next time.

me – Joe…no offense (sidebar….I am about to offend…thus clearly stating, “no offense.”) How about we grab a drink when they pull this nugget of shit out of my head? Until then, I really don’t want to be back here.

Joe – Deal.

Mike is now free and ready for me. He immediately recognizes me from the scan from two weeks ago.

Mike – Hey bud…sorry to see you back. You ready for this?

me – yep…brought extra pants, just in case.

Mike – (laughs)

me – ( starting to remove stuff)

Mike – you don’t need to do that for this one.

me – I’m just used to it at this point. All free and everything.

Mike – (laughing) Um…no…really. You don’t.

The test is done and I ask if, with my doc out of town, whether or not I will hear anything back this week. Mike assured me I would, as he knows Dr. Yu’s PA. Fantesticle. I’m over it. I am told that the MRI next week, they will be screwing a halo into my skull. I’ve seen this done for trauma victims. It ensures complete stillness. Think of a bench vise with screws:

That should be a hoot at 6 in the morning, on a Friday. I cannot express how much I am not looking forward to this torture device. As if the headache isn’t bad enough.

Fast forward. Off to meet with Karen and Red. Eat, drink, finish plans for the party.

Final thought. Getting screwed…literally…hurts. I promise it does. You are awake and aware. I may regret my next statement, but I would rather have the pain of screws in my melon than not having the results of today’s test. Charlie says goodnight.