Love…Actually

Star Date 22092016

Today Charlie had me conflicted. I not only awoke at 0300, again, I had a Fray song in my head but a movie scene in my head. 0300 was not as terrible as it sounds. Got a little work done and did not miss leaving the house on time to take a friend to the airport. I reckon the movie was on my mind due to the scheduled, aforementioned airport shuttle.

The song is this:

You Found Me

The Fray

I found God On the corner of First and Amistad Where the west Was all but won All alone Smoking his last cigarette I said, “Where you been?” He said, “Ask anything.”

Where were you When everything was falling apart? All my days Were spent by the telephone That never rang And all I needed was a call That never came To the corner of First and Amistad

Lost and insecure You found me, you found me Lyin’ on the floor Surrounded, surrounded Why’d you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you? Just a little late You found me, you found me

In the end Everyone ends up alone Losing her The only one who’s ever known Who I am Who I’m not, who I wanna be No way to know How long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure You found me, you found me Lyin’ on the floor Surrounded, surrounded Why’d you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you? Just a little late You found me, you found me

I cut a couple lines toward the end…not that they don’t matter, I just know Norm will call me tomorrow and complain that reading reminds him too much of homework. He is likely correct. The movie is:

I do not recall if it is at the beginning or end of the movie where the character played by Hugh Grant is narrating…I think it is at the end of the movie…

“General opinion’s starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don’t see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there – fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge – they were all messages of love.”

Yes…I am aware the movie is fiction and for some…or even most, complete crap. But poop is funny, and therefore I laugh at crap. I realize the quote without why it is floating around for Charlie’s sake does not enlighten anyone, so prepare to be underimpressed, underawed, underweared…check…before pants…today. It’s gonna be a good day. As I opened with, I took friends to the airport this morning. If you’ve seen the movie, it ends…and possibly opens, in Heathrow…or a set of. A set of what, asks Rob H? Exactly. Sidebar. Conversation with Matt M and his bro-in-law yesterday, where Matt is explaining that an employee of their’s had a taken from his bowels. Isaac didn’t miss a beat…”A foot? What else has he been eating?” Laughed until he cried. Why is it certain medical things can be so damn funny…then not so. I remind myself that no one ever said life would be fair. Quite the contrary. One should remind oneself that life is not fair, nor was it ever intended to be. So…tying movie to airport and so on and so forth. I’ve spent a lot of time at airports. When I am the one at them, I do not think the same way as I do when I am dropping someone off at them, or even seeing folks dropped off, whilst I scurry through to get to my terminal. Sadness. People saying goodbye. Sucks. It doesn’t matter how many times I have either been leaving my girls to come home, or taking them to the airport for them to go home. It sucks. Back of the throat gets swollen and the eyes never fail to water. Until recently, it has been more from the instant wanting of time…more time. As of late, it is more of a “was that the last?” I had that same moment, this morning, dropping Rob and Tory off. I played the conversation that would have ensued, had they known what I was thinking in that moment. Here’s how it looked to Charlie:

Rob S- Thanks for getting up and getting us here.

me – not a problem…glad to do it.

Rob – What do I owe you?

me – (laughing) Not a thing. I was up and the drive was nice.

Rob – Alright. You take care …and we will see you when we get back.

This is how it would have played out after….

me (tearing up) – Keep in touch (shaking hands…Rob sees tears)

Rob – Come on. Cut it out.

Me – Got it.

I would have laughed when I got back in the car. In that moment…the real one, not the Charlie one, all I could think was what if? That same thought plagued and nagged me, all the drive home. I am tired of what if. I am tired of pulling up my medical app and seeing new test results that just lead to more tests, more concerns, more sleepless nights, more tears, more results…rinse and repeat. So stupid. Me. This. Waiting.

Fast forward. Speaking of tests. Thanks to last week’s CT, Charlie and I are rushing to an angio CT. Sounds fun. Isn’t.

CT Tech – Mr. Ski….um…liss?

me – Skee-lays.

Tech – sorry.

me – no worries. No one ever gets it (thinking to myself…why not?)

Tech – My name is Andrew and I’ll be doing your scan today.

me – yep. Thank you Andy.

Andy – (smiling) Andrew.

me – I owed you one.

Andrew – (laughs) Fair enough.

He explains a few things about the sh** they’re gonna shoot in me for contrast…as I start to take my Mr. T starter set off:

Okay…just one ring, necklace from my anniversary, Fitbit…stuff out of pockets.

Andrew – Um…you don’t have to take stuff off.

me – what if I want to?

Andrew – (laughing) um

me – (interrupting). Don’t worry…I’m hung like a mouse.

Andrew – (laughing….but I think he took a look at my junk) This obviously isn’t your first scan.

me – First this week.

Andrew – Got it. Well I’m gonna start an IV on you then get you situated on table. Take some pictures, then come back in and shoot the dye in. You will feel like you are burning up, especially down your throat …oh and you will feel like you are wetting yourself.

Me – Two things. One. How about I go potty (and yes…I did say potty). And B, remember when I wanted to undress? Not such a bad idea, now. I don’t have spare clothes if I micturate on your table and myself.

Andrew – You won’t…it just feels like it.

Me – Feeling is doing…just sayin.

I potty and wash and find my way back to Andrew and the other two techs in the control room. One of whom recognizes me…how F’ed is that?

Joe – Didn’t I do a scan on you recently?

Me – Yep…if last week counts as recently.

Joe – Oh yeah. Wow. Another one?

Me – Just lucky…only two more to go before surgery.

Joe – It sucks. You holding up okay?

Me – I was until you recognized me…now I just feel silly for starting to take my stuff off…since I’m a clearly recognized scanee (not to be confused with Scanner):

Not this

This

After test…head felt like this.

Joe and Andrew laugh and Andrew escorts me back in to the CT room. Starts IV…so on, and what not. I lay down and scan starts. A bit later scan stops and Andrew comes in to inject his thing…um….not exactly…it was my thing getting injected…wait…still not right….How about this: “I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull’s ass, but I’d rather take a butcher’s word for it” (reference Tommy Boy). Anyway…Andrew injects dye in to IV port and runs…literally…out of the room. Within a minute my throat is on fire, my skin is flush, and you guessed it, I feel as though I am pissing the bed. I want to lift my head and look but was advised I’d receive the dye again for the do-over, if I did so. “It puts the lotion on its skin, or it will get the hose again” (reference Silence of the Lambs). I don’t look.

Andrew – (over scan speaker) You doing okay?

Me – God, is that you (it’s me, Margaret…reference from Deadpool, referencing Judy Blume book)?

Andrew – You’re okay?

Me – Not fuckin really. You talked about the burn but not the (Andrew interrupts)

Andrew – You’re almost done…it’ll pass.

Me – Not fast enough.

Andrew comes in a bit later…the feeling did pass…rather feelings…I am laying there as the tray moves me back in to the room…under the very bright lights. Charlie is pissed. He is pounding to get out. Ready? Set. Migraine. Guess what Charlie’s host head forgot to bring with today? Yep…migraine meds. Idiot. I cannot get to the car and home fast enough. Safety third (reference to Mike Rowe – Dirty Jobs).

Fast forward. Migraine med on board. Charlie is still complaining but at least light isn’t bothering me…as much. I get a text from my bestie in TX. Not good news. Made my sh** seem so insignificant compared to what he and Sonya are going through. We were both able to lighten the mood a bit, but. But goodbye sucks. What if? I cannot help him, nor he, me. Life is not fair. No one said it would be, remember? I am tired. I am tired of being tired.

Spotlight friend. Norm. Another friend through work. I met Norm last May or June, with my then boss. Norm looks a bit like this stranger:

I only saw Norm a time or two from last May until January of this year. Former boss was not a fan of distribution, and Norm runs a…well…distribution location. I do not recall thinking that Norm was a bad guy, when I met him…not the evil distributor partner he and his company were made out to be. Thankfully, Norm didn’t think I was anything like my former boss. Norm realized pretty quickly, that I do not conduct business like my former boss, either. I suspect his sales guys were a little weary….Michael and Don. …I would have been as well. Norm is in a tough business, with tough customers on both the residential and commercial sides of roofing. I do not envy him or Michael and Don. I cannot imagine anyone doing what he does any better. Here’s the skinny. Norm is a few years my senior…but I would and did guess him to be my age or younger. Aside from his Bobby De Niro appearance, Norm is one of the most positive forms of energy, encapsulated by skin, that I have ever met. Energetic…and why not…as if his work day doesn’t turn in to work evenings, he plays hockey with guys half his age, once or twice a week. …till one and or two am. Not right for an AARP fella. Over the course of this current year, Norm, his guys, and I have been working together. Well…our version of. In visits to the office, there is not work without laughter, a piece of candy, a hot…emphasizing hot beef stick, or a skosh or splash of something golden-brown, and liquidy. Norm is a guy that takes care of sh**. He gets stuff done. His guys get stuff done. I have walked in more than once, and either he or I have been dealing with some sort of issue. Unhappy. It is almost an unspoken contest to see who can get whom to laugh first. Michael or Don show up…then no work gets done and it’s all laughter. Norm doesn’t just support a team on the ice, he supports the people he works with and for. He is a competitor, but not a sore loser. Outside of work, I enjoy hanging with Norm. A little food at the Dandy Gancer (yep…I said it…wrong), a little bourbon with our friend…er…bartender and fellow smart ass, Robert, then outside to have a cigar on the walk…No, Red and Steve….not under covered patio that we were told we could have cigars on, but literally right next to…where the wind blows said cigar smoke into said patio area…with any luck pissing off the patron who went in to complain about our smoke, to the manager, then smoked a cigarette…But I’m not bitter…or over it. Idiot. Always good conversation with Norm. Always. Two beautiful daughters, who are close in age to my daughters…and similar in personalties. Norm doesn’t just have the De Niro looks, he has the edge. The ability to have a tough conversation, but in a manner that is not threatening or condescending. All the while, he is positive and reinforcing positivity. Norm is a man after mine own heart. Lends a hand….hey where is his other hand? Using the whole fist doc? (reference to Fletch). I do not recall if it was a forced dinner meeting…come to think of it, it might have been…Ditka’s…One of the other three in attendance would say something and either Norm or I would make a smartass…but inciteful…eloquent…remark. What is this strangeness? Someone that is hearing my whispered remarks, and I his? I rectum so…rectum? Damn near killed him. To say that Norm and I get each other, would be understating it…no…Don, we are not married, just happily bromancing. How many people can you just sit on your patio with, cigar, bourbon, conversation for hours, and laughter for days? I can count only a few ….and as my very close friend says, “Ya know, Kev, at the end of the day…” Well, Norm…at the end of the day, I never think twice about how a work day is gonna go because I know you and your team have my back, and I yours. At the end, end of the day, I can count only a few that I can sit on a patio with and know that we can say nothing, or…as is more typical, we both speak the same thing, at the same time. When this Charlie the shitshow started, I wanted Norm and Don and Michael…much like I wanted with other work friends…to hear it from me. I had told Norm, but had not said anything to Don or Michael. I asked Norm if he had. He said he had not…this was a couple weeks after we found out, as I recall. I had made the assumption that Norm had told at least them. I appreciated that he had not. Even on the personal side, Norm has my back…and I his. At the end of the day, isn’t that what matters? That…Norm, Rob S, Matt, Don, Michael, Abbie and family…this is exactly what I mean by liking doing business with friends. Anyway…where was I? Oh yeah. Norm failing to tell Don and Michael what was going on. I wrote an email to Don and Michael, CC’ing Norm. In it, I gave a “very brief” summary of the events …I wish I could see Norm’s face as he reads that last line….his head ready to blow off his shoulders…something along the lines of “Brief? Brief? Are you jaggin me right now? OMG. You have got to be kidding.” I had asked that they….Norm and peeps, keep life as normal as possible. All the fun, joking, et al. Normal. I got a text from Norm the next morning, asking how I was feeling. Sweet right? Like sugar. He said he was thinking about Jess and me. I texted back, thanking him. I think I stopped by his office later that day. I walked in, and as always, Norm stood to shake my hand. Bastard is out of dark chocolate. I sit.

Norm – Hey, Kev, how ya doin?

me – good

Norm – OMG. Are you kidding me with that email? It was a book. I don’t have time to read all that. I just sorta scanned it. Then Michael came down and asked if I read it. When I told him I had just scanned it, he said, “you should read it…he rips you pretty good.” And all I can think is, that A**hole. (laughing…as am I)

Me – (still laughing)

Norm – (serious) Hey…the guys really appreciate you letting them know. BTW, I was gonna send a follow up text to the one this morning.

Me – oh yeah? Why didn’t you?

Norm – Well I wasn’t sure if it would be taken correctly.

Me – go ahead…what were you gonna say?

Norm – I was gonna say that I was thinking about Jess more than I was you.

Me – Yep…should’ve sent it. We would have laughed.

Jess and I had dinner with Norm and Vinessa last night. Vinessa’s personality is a mixture of Casey and Sam’s. Olivia…or Liver, as Norm affectionately calls her, was not able to make it…bummer. We had a good time. Cigars, conversation, good food, good bourbon. Stayed out past our bedtimes and it was worth every second. At the end of the day, nothing else matters but connecting with the people you love. Friends. Family. Friends who have become family. Norm is my carissimus frater. Having to figure out how to use the google to translate that oughta piss him right off…but he will laugh.

Final thought. Charlie started with love. …no…not literally conceived. This post. I play a lot of David Gray…a Pandora station, and his CDs. A guy keeps coming on, whose name is Ben Rector. I heard this today. I think of Les and all he is going through today and in the coming. I think of Rob and Tory as they travel. I think of Norm. I think of all of you. I am thankful for all of you…on a day where I am wondering ‘what if?’ I, as always, come home, both physically, and in thought. The what ifs subside because they are overrun. At the end of the day, that is all that matters. I win. Every single second of every day that I am allowed to wake up. Best day evvvvvar.

“More Like Love”

I used to think I wanted to be famous I’d be recognized out in a crowd But the funny thing is anytime I’ve gotten what I want It lets me down

But now I just wanna look more like love I just wanna look more like love This whole world is spinning crazy And I can’t quite keep up It’s the one thing around here That we don’t have quite enough of So I just wanna look a little more Like love

I used to think I needed all the answers I used to need to know that I was right I used to be afraid of things I couldn’t cover up In black and white

But I just wanna look more like love I just wanna look more like love This whole world is spinning crazy And I can’t quite keep up It’s the one thing around here That we don’t have quite enough of So I just wanna look a little more Like love

I find the farther that I climb There’s always another line Of mountain tops It’s never going to stop And the more of anything I do The thing that always ends up true Is getting what I want Will never be enough

So I just wanna look more like love I just wanna look more like love This whole world is spinning crazy I can’t quite keep up It’s the one thing around here That we don’t have quite enough of So I just wanna look a little more Like love